I'll do what it takes till' I touch the sky

Haa. I feel so mad. Why mad? Not on the world, not on a person but mad at me. While I was reading Furuba (Fruits Basket) I cried. Heh, I cried. It's so not like me. I'm not easily touched. I not cry unless I have a good reason and yet I cried when I read that chapter. Just like that. I didn't realise i was crying until I felt that cold drop of sorrow on my cheek. Mmm I'd lie if I'd tell you it's the first time I'm crying on a manga. I also cried when I read Madame Butterfly. I cried at the end of the manga. When she found out her husband was killed and all she wanted to do was get away from this world and meet him on the other. And then, she realised she still had her little girls. She had something to live for. She had reason to live. It was exacly the same thing with Furuba. I cried when I read about Kyoko and Tohru's father. The way Kyoko wanted to die just to get to Katsuya. It was a little thing that made me sad, that made me think about the future. My future.

What I'm going to do in the future? What will my future look like? I also want a loving husband a big and happy family, lot's of friend, a beautiful life. But then again, do I deserve this kind of life? Am I really worth living a beautiful life? How can I? I don't even know what I should do in the future. I have no career plans, all I know is that I want to end up happy. Have a happy end. Do I sound like a weirdo? Do I have weird dreams? I'm scared. I'm scared I'll ruin my future. I'm scared I'll will not be able to realise my dreams. That I will not have a happy life. That I will not find love. Haa. It's exhausting. It's annoying. It's better to run away from everything.

Sometimes I just can't stop thinking that my -special- someone was hit by a truck. That I don't have a bright future ahead of me. That I will end up alone, no friends, no family, no happiness. What should I do? I'm so mad at myself.

Truth be told I'm always complaining. I have no idea what to be a friend means. I have no idea how it feels to be in love. I am the only one who feels this way? I'm the only one who thinks like this? Help.